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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Honey..... Maybe it's Time to Think About that Will (#7)

     I read a story about a recent study by researchers at the University of California. Scientists, using data and questionnaires from people over fifty, devised a checklist to predict a person’s chances of living another ten years. They called it, "The 10-yr. Mortality Risk Score." Pretty scary, Huh? If your numbers are too high, you better get that gym membership, start eating healthier, and hope for the best.
     The first two items on the researcher’s checklist were your current age, and your gender. I can understand the one about gender. Women on average live seven more years than men. I figure, God knows what he’s doing. After living with me for thirty or forty years, my wife's going to deserve a break.

     To the one about age, I say, "Duh." Do you mean it took dozens of men and women with advanced degrees, brains so big, they carry their heads around in wheelbarrows, and a few million bucks to figure this out! If I'm 104, wearing diapers, being spoon fed mashed lima beans, and watching cartoons; I not only, don't want to live another ten years, but seriously doubt I'll make it.
     I have a few questions. The study mentions tobacco use. Is Weed considered tobacco? If yes, would it include Marijuana consumption for medicinal purposes? What if it’s mixed with Hershey's Cocoa, sugar, flour, butter, and baking soda? I know what you're thinking, but this is my life man. I need every year I can get.
     The next item on the checklist is maintaining a BMI below 25. I think I'm okay with this one. Through sheer determination, I have my "Big Mac Ingestion," down to 18 or less a week. The next items which can keep you from living ten more years include: diabetes, cancer, lung disease, and heart failure. These are tough ones. Sometimes, you can do everything right and still get cancer or other diseases. I guess we can only pray for the best.
     The last two items on the list, which could determine whether you live another ten years are, difficulty managing your finances, and difficulty with everyday things such as bathing, walking, and pushing or pulling objects. These involve mental impairments shortening your life-span, and the correlation between longevity and physical abilities. I think I may be in trouble. I couldn’t manage my finances when I was twenty, let alone now, and I just pulled a muscle in my back, lifting a five-pound bag of sugar. If this keeps up, it could be a rough couple of years.
     I was surprised, not to see, forgetting an anniversary, getting your wife a gym membership for Christmas, or honking your horn at the huge guy in the big truck with the gun rack, on the list of things that could shorten your life. I guess I need to do something drastic. Tomorrow, I’m going to finally have my lawyer draw up a will for me.

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