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Friday, December 26, 2014

Not Just Another Fruitcake(#10)

ClaxtonB 007     
     How many of you received fruitcakes for Christmas this year? I have a bag of them sitting in a corner that took three of us to drag in last night. I swear, it looks and feels like an enormous bag of bricks.

     I have a few questions about fruitcakes. Has scientific analysis ever determined what they’re made of? Have you ever been walking home after a late-night Christmas party, had a mugger demand money, reached into your bag, and knocked him unconscious with a fruitcake? Can they really be eaten after three thousand years? Has anyone actually eaten one; and like me, do you have two hundred of them stacked three-feet high in a hall closet?

     If you think about it, fruitcakes are the perfect re-gift item. If you ever get one, all you have to do is open your present, say, "Wow, fruitcake," throw them in a closet, pull them out next year, rewrap them, and then give them to someone you don't like

     I would think, if you get a fruitcake from someone for Christmas you're not at the top of their, "people I like list." It doesn't take much effort and thought to grab a fruitcake as you're waiting in line at a Wal-Mart Supercenter. Every time I get a fruitcake from someone, I go see my lawyer, and remove them from my will.

     I've always wondered why they even call them fruitcakes. I took a magnifying glass once, and I didn't see any bananas, apples, peaches, or oranges. My wife told me that they're made with candied fruits like pineapple, cherries, dates, and prunes. I don't believe her. What about those round, red and green things that look like the eyeballs of some type of night-dwelling creature. I swear those green ones look like cat eyes. Have any of you seen any of our furry feline friends wandering your neighborhood looking like wayward pirates with black patches covering one eye.

     I read somewhere that in 1922 after five years of searching the "Valley of the Kings" in the desolate desert regions of eastern Egypt, an Archaeologist named Howard Carter made a remarkable discovery. He unearthed the 3,000 year old tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamen, or as we know him today, King Tut. Historical records show, an ancient, but familiar food item, made of a variety of exotic fruits was found lying uneaten upon the floor within a few feet of the sarcophagus of the young king. In 1992 the ancient, so-called "Fruitcake of the Gods," mysteriously disappeared, and despite an extensive search was never found.

     After twenty-two long years, the mystery of the missing priceless artifact may have finally been solved. A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out my closet and found an unopened Christmas present from my late Uncle Earl, wrapped meticulously in cheesecloth, aluminum foil, and bright red wrapping paper with Santa's face prominently displayed.

     I remembered that Uncle Earl had once worked as a night-shift security guard at the Smithsonian Museum in the early 90's. Not being one to mess with antiquity, and being a little short on funds this Christmas I did what most men would do in my situation. I rewrapped it, changed the card to read, "to Uncle Bob," and placed it carefully and gently underneath my Christmas tree next to all the other presents.

     I'm getting a little nervous. I was reading a story on the Internet about the curse of King Tut. It says that all the people involved with the treasures removed from his tomb have suffered terrible misfortunes over the years. I keep thinking about that present under the tree, and can't help but wonder if I might be the next in line to feel the full wrath of an ancient and diabolical curse. Could you excuse me a minute. I see the UPS man just left a huge box on my doorstep. Hmmmm........what's this? It has a note with it.


The Claxton, Old-Fashioned Fruitcake Company of Georgia, is pleased to announce that as part of our 100 year celebration, your name has been randomly selected as our grand prize winner. As a special gift, we have sent you a lifetime supply of our delicious fruit cakes.

Robert Tutankhamen CEO

Ahhhhhhhhhhh........................The curse! It's true!

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