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Saturday, December 27, 2014

Now, That's What I Call Love (#11)



     I was wondering if any of you guys out there, received the “His” half, of a matching pair of his and her tee shirts for Christmas? Have you worn it yet? More importantly- have you worn it while your significant other wore there’s? Did you go out in public together while wearing the tee shirts? Could you please raise your hand if you answered yes to all these questions? Come on guys! It’s just a tee shirt, and you love her, don’t you?

     I’m willing to admit that years ago, I wore a matching his and her tee shirt. I remember it being some type of chartreuse colored, cotton tee. Emblazoned in big blue letters across the front were the words, “I’m With Her.” It also had an arrow pointing to the right. My girlfriend’s shirt in its horrific similarity said, “I’m With Him,” and had an arrow pointing to the left.

     I vividly remember having to always walk on her left side with my right arm around her shoulder. We had to be in that position or the arrows would be pointing at other people. Heaven forbid we became separated and I had to walk next to Beyoncé all day, and explain to everyone how we hooked up at the Grammys.

      I just want you all to know, the one time I wore the matching tee shirt, I was young, madly in love, and not particularly bright. It was also that first time, butterflies in the stomach kind of love. I'm just glad, cell phone cameras and You-Tube videos hadn't become so popular yet. If they had been, I'd probably, still be living in a cave.  

      I was reading an article the other day about his and her tee shirts that was written by a woman. She wrote an enlightening article about the benefits of investing in a complete wardrobe of matching his and her clothing. Her view on matching tee shirts was that they were for couples who not only love to do everything together, but love to dress alike. They also let everyone know who you are with, let others know you are spoken for, and allow you to proclaim love, togetherness, and dedication to each other. She also elaborated on how if the couple became separated it would be easy to locate each other. Of course it would be easy. All you would have to do is look for a man crouched behind a table in shame and despair, while being ridiculed by twenty guys who just left a sports bar.   

     Ladies, let me tell you something important. I know you love your man. I also know he loves you. If he didn't love you, I guarantee, he would choose being barbecued alive over an open fire, rather than wear that tee shirt in public. Do you remember the last time you were both wearing your matching tee shirts. Yeah, you know the ones. Each one has half a heart on it, and when you you're side by side, they form a complete heart.

      Remember the time, when in a seemingly magical and unrehearsed moment, he grabbed you, gave you a big kiss, threw you into the bushes, and jumped on top of you. You thought he was being romantic and wanted to be alone. Well, the reason he did it was because three of his buddies were coming down the sidewalk, and he was trying to avoid the shame of them seeing him.

     I’ve been taking a closer look around me, and I’m seeing some crazy his and her tee shirts. To all you guys out there wearing them; listen to me carefully. I’ve been where you are now. I also know she’s a wonderful person, and you love her with all your heart, but there’s other alternatives. Think cuddling, candle light dinners, and romantic walks in the moonlight.

      It’s not too late to turn back. There’s still hope. I also know your dignity is buried pretty deep. Don’t worry. I have two shovels. We can dig it up together. Please meet me at my house this Friday for a night of cards, drinking, watching sports, and possibly some full contact rugby. Don’t worry about the rugby. It hurts a lot less than wearing that matching tee shirt.

     To be fair, there are a few places and occasions where matching his and her tee-shirts may be worn under certain circumstances. They include: Halloween, when used as a costume, when you’re alone at home, when she’s a little frisky, inside an Antarctic research station, and on a far and distant, uninhabited planet.

     I have to go now. My wife knew I was writing about his and her tee shirts, and I think she’s messing with me. She just came home from shopping and she has two matching tee shirts. One says I'm with stupid, and has an arrow pointing to the left side. The other one has the word "DUH" written in big, bold letters on it. I wonder which ones for me?

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