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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

All You Can Eat? Are You Sure? (#16)

     Have any of you, ever left a Chinese Buffet after a long and satisfying meal, and thought to yourself,

“You know, that was pretty good, but something just wasn’t right.”
     There’s a few questions, I have about Chinese Buffets. How come Chinese people never eat at them? Do they know something we don't? How come when I get home from the buffet, my cat hisses at me and runs under the bed? Why are the trays with meat always empty, but the vegetables and Lo Mein are overflowing? When a big person like me enters the establishment, why do all the workers, including servers, cooks, and the owner stop what they’re doing? Why do they then proceed to point, stare, run around in circles, and talk really fast in Chinese or some other Asian language? Is it true that “Buffet” in Chinese means,
“We love skinny people?”

     Did you ever notice that when you approach the front door of a Chinese Buffet there is always one person strategically placed to rush you to your table. They always seem so excited to see you. It’s like you’re a long-lost relative, they haven’t seen in years. Sometimes, just to have some fun, I’ll walk towards the front door, and then walk away. I’ll do this at least ten times. You should see the person. They go nuts. It’s quite hilarious.
     You may have noticed, at the front of all Chinese Buffets, in big neon lettering, is a sign that says, “All You Can Eat.” Do you really think they mean it? I’m a big guy, and I can eat pretty much. What do you think would happen if a bus pulled up outside a Chinese Buffet, and thirty or forty huge and hungry Sumo wrestlers disembarked, and made their way into the buffet? It would be pandemonium, right?
     Ambulances would be lined up outside, paramedics would be giving CPR to multiple workers, and the owner would most likely be contemplating ritual suicide. There might even be a metal worker frantically changing the sign to read,
“Sumo’s must have gastric bypass surgery.”
     I wish Chinese buffets weren’t so big. I was in one last week that was so big, I filled my plate, but by the time I got back to the table, I had eaten all my food. I then had to turn around and go back to the buffet again.
     Did you know that the Chinese have no concept of age? I’m serious. The reason I mention this is, every buffet has a reduced price for children under twelve. I was twenty-two, before they stopped asking me how old I was.
“Excuse me miss, but I’m 6-4 and have a beard. That may give you a tiny clue that I’m at least thirteen.”
     You could be sixty, have gray hair, walk with a cane, and have an AARP membership card taped to your forehead, and chances are they’ll still ask your age.
     Oh, one more thing…… sodas. You may have noticed that Chinese Buffets only serve Pepsi products. I have no idea why. The owners of Chinese Buffets are also very smart. They know that the more soda you drink the less food you will eat. That includes those tasty crab legs. How many times are they going to ask if I want more soda? The thing is over-flowing for heaven’s sake, and I've already been to the bathroom seven times! I’ve also been wondering if those soda glasses can get any bigger. Soon they’ll need three or four servers struggling to your table with a trash can-sized, frosty glass of diet Pepsi. Sticking out the top will be a three foot piece of bamboo in place of a straw.

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