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Monday, January 5, 2015

Do Not Move, and Remain Perfectly Still (#15)

      Have any of you seen some of those “Cops” episodes on TV, where they bring in a K-9 unit to help with the apprehension of a suspect? Usually, some low-level drug dealer, or an armed robber of a local grocery store has eluded police, is hiding nearby, and the cops need to flush him out. You may have also noticed, the dogs are always huge and powerful German Shepherds, can only be handled by one specific officer, seem to love their job, and for some reason, hate guys wearing baggy pants.

     I would think that dogs who are members of K-9 units are at the top of the police dog hierarchy. Do you think police dogs hang out after their shift is over, and talk about how their day went? A conversation might sound something like this.

 “Hey Bart. How’s everything over at the drug sniffing unit?” I guess it’s better than my last job as a cadaver dog, which really stunk. I’m just worried that with all those states legalizing marijuana, I may soon be out of a job.” “Well at least you’re not in the bomb detection unit, like Rex. I know we’re supposed to be man’s best, but if I had to walk up to a ticking box, and all the humans were huddled behind barricades a hundred yards away, I might just snap.” “I have to admit Chomper; you have the coolest job. I can’t believe you get to take off after people, knock then to the ground, and chew on their arms and legs before you’re handler arrives.” “I have to admit Bart, it is pretty awesome.”

     I was watching a rerun of “Cops,” the other night. In one of the scenes the police were trying to apprehend a suspect. He had led the officers on a chase and was hiding somewhere in a wooded area. A police dog was released, and within minutes the suspect was on the ground, thrashing around and screaming, as the police dog shook him like a rag dog.

      As the police approached the suspect with firearms drawn they started to shout, "Stop moving, stop yelling and remain perfectly still.” The suspect who looked about 14, and weighed 100 pounds soaking wet, continued to scream and roll from side to side as the dog held him in a vice-like grip. The Police meanwhile, continued to yell. "Don't move.”

      I don't know about you, but it would be very hard for me to remain perfectly still as a large dog with razor sharp teeth was….. eating me alive! Luckily, after the police tasered the suspect four or five times, the dog reluctantly released his arm.

      I had an experience with a police dog the other day. I was walking by a police car in a parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts. The front seat was empty, and I failed to notice the wire mesh separating the front and back seats. I also missed the sign that said,

“Caution, K-9 Unit-Dog will Eat You."

     As I passed the side rear window, I nearly had an unfortunate accident in my pants as the dog lunged at the glass, gnashed his teeth, and barked ferociously. I have no doubt that if he had gotten out I would have been dog food. At the same time a Police Officer came running towards the car with a cup of Coffee in his hand. He then yelled,

 "Do not move, and remain perfectly still." No problem sir; no problem.

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