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Welcome to my updated site. I hope you enjoy my gentle brand of humor. If you made it here, please come back for more of my simple observations of everyday life.



Monday, February 16, 2015

Counting Down the Days (#27)




     I come from a family with many relatives, who have lived healthy and productive lives far into their nineties. I don't smoke, drink in moderation, try to eat healthy, and exercise regularly. I figured, I had many good years ahead of me. Now, I'm not so sure.
     I recently read an article by a Physician in Brazil, who claims he's devised a simple yet extremely accurate test to determine if you will either live many more years, or if the Grim Reaper is just down the street, and asking directions to your house.
     I tried the test yesterday, and have some good news, and some bad news. The good news is, my wills been updated, my family's been taken care of, and my funerals been prepaid. The bad news is, some kid showed up at my front door this morning with a black hoodie pulled up over his head, and a snow shovel in one hand. I swear, I was mere seconds from having a massive coronary. I think he wanted to clear my driveway and walk, but he ran away when I got down on my knees, clasped my hands together, and said,
"For the love of God, please don't take me. I'm too young to die. Why don't you go across the street to old widow Murphy's house? She's at least a hundred, and been coughing and sniffling all week!"

     The test by the Brazilian Doctors called, the "Sit and Rise Test." You sit on the floor with your legs crossed in front of you in a basic yoga pose, and then stand up. Pretty simple, huh? It's not as easy as you think. The highest score is 10 points, which assures you of a very long life. You receive 5 points, just for being able to sit, and a points deducted for each body part you use to help you stand up. These include your hands, knees, forearms, or the sides of your legs. You also deduct a point if you lose your balance and fall down. If you score between 0 and 3; it's only a matter of time my friend-only a matter of time.
     I guess, I should tell you that I didn't score very high. As a matter of fact, my wife found me two hours later, lying on my side, with my legs still crossed. After she got me untangled, and standing, I thought to myself,
"There has to be easier ways of predicting longevity, or when my time to go is swiftly approaching."
     Here are a few things, which might foretell my imminent demise, better than that silly test. What do you think the chances are of me winning a hundred million dollar lottery jackpot, and then actually living long enough to spend any of the money? I would think they'd be pretty slim. How about finishing four helpings of my mother-in-laws famous tuna casserole, and noticing my father-in-law hasn't touched his plate, but has a thin smile on his face?

     I could be wrong, but something happened today that might indicate how long I have to live. I got home a few hours ago after finalizing a $1,000,000 life insurance policy on myself, with my wife as the beneficiary. I decided to take a nap, but woke up feeling sluggish, stumbled outside, and found my wife had left her car running in the garage, while she took a walk. When she got home, she said, "Sorry, my bad," then asked if I had any antifreeze. She said her car was a little low.

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