I Reallyyy.......... Have to Go

Recently, I took a short trip of a little over four hours to visit a friend. He lives in a small cabin in an isolated, but accessible area of a nearby mountain range, far from civilization. About an hour into my trip, I began to feel an uncomfortable, but familiar sensation. Stopping at a Dunkin Donuts restaurant, I parked, and moved swiftly towards the last available place to procure coffee, and use the facilities, before reaching my destination. A small town with a diner and a gas station were conveniently located near my friend’s cabin, but there was at least a hundred and fifty miles of forest-lined highways, and mountain roads between my current location, and the next stop.

Entering the Dunkin Donuts, I rapidly and awkwardly moved towards the men’s room, only to face a sign on the door saying, “Sorry, bathroom is closed.” Turning to the women’s restroom, and praying it wasn’t occupied, I saw another sign with the words, “Out of Order,” displayed in big bold letters. Is it just me, or wouldn’t you think an establishment selling bladder bursting, hot and cold beverages, would either have a plumber on site twenty-four hours a day, or provide emergency, portable restrooms for customers to use at all times? I can tell you this; I reallyyy………. had to go. Skipping the coffee, and heading to my car, I figured somewhere ahead in an inhospitable, and bear-filled wilderness was a tree along the side of the road with my name on it.

Simple Observations - Almost, Out of this World

Here are a few more snippets from my new book, Simple Observations - A Humorous Look at the Absurdity of the World Around Us. I hope you consider getting the book as a present for someone special in your life who is near and dear, but may be just a little messed up. My wife has already bought thirty copies for me. I keep telling her that I wrote the darn book, and I kind of already know what's going to happen next, but she won't listen. The book is available anywhere in the world. I was hoping to get a copy into outer space, so I wouldn't be lying when I said, "Simple Observations, is out of this world." Unfortunately, all the rocket scientists at NASA where so busy passing it around, and trying to figure it out, they forgot to put it on the last load of supplies for the space station.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my international book tour. It is so exciting. On March 23, I'll be telling outrageous stories, passing out flapjacks, and signing copies of my book at the International House of Pancakes in Embarrass, Minnesota. This appearance will be followed by stops at the IHOPs in Mosquitoville, Vermont, and Intercourse Pennsylvania on the 25th and 27th. Wish me luck -  I'm going to need all I can get

Lunch Meat Wars

How many of you regularly visit a local delicatessen to procure fine meats, chesses, and assorted hot and cold items? Here in the United States we call them delis, and many are located inside major supermarket chains. Delicatessens originated in Germany during the 18^th century, and then spread to most of Europe, before becoming popular in America. I heard that the word was derived from the French word, “delicatesse,” which means, “delicious things to eat.” I think, when I finish writing this simple observation, I’m going to hit my favorite “delicatesse.” It’s called – Burger King.

I was at my local supermarket yesterday to pick up some lunch meat, or what is also called sliced meats, deli meats, luncheon meats or cold cuts. I also needed an assortment of some of my favorite sliced cheeses. Whenever I’m at the deli, it always seems to be a little crazy. People are pushing and shoving each other, everyone’s jostling for position in front of the big glass cases, words I can’t mention on this blog are volleyed back and forth, and fights are breaking out after people butt in front of someone else. It’s exactly what happens at my family’s wedding receptions, when the buffet line is officially opened.