I Reallyyy.......... Have to Go

Recently, I took a short trip of a little over four hours to visit a friend. He lives in a small cabin in an isolated, but accessible area of a nearby mountain range, far from civilization. About an hour into my trip, I began to feel an uncomfortable, but familiar sensation. Stopping at a Dunkin Donuts restaurant, I parked, and moved swiftly towards the last available place to procure coffee, and use the facilities, before reaching my destination. A small town with a diner and a gas station were conveniently located near my friend’s cabin, but there was at least a hundred and fifty miles of forest-lined highways, and mountain roads between my current location, and the next stop.

Entering the Dunkin Donuts, I rapidly and awkwardly moved towards the men’s room, only to face a sign on the door saying, “Sorry, bathroom is closed.” Turning to the women’s restroom, and praying it wasn’t occupied, I saw another sign with the words, “Out of Order,” displayed in big bold letters. Is it just me, or wouldn’t you think an establishment selling bladder bursting, hot and cold beverages, would either have a plumber on site twenty-four hours a day, or provide emergency, portable restrooms for customers to use at all times? I can tell you this; I reallyyy………. had to go. Skipping the coffee, and heading to my car, I figured somewhere ahead in an inhospitable, and bear-filled wilderness was a tree along the side of the road with my name on it.

If Only Pictures Could Talk

"Guys, it was inhuman. He was the biggest, most hideous dog I've ever seen in my life. I'm not often scared. I've been known to run in front of giant eighteen-wheelers on Friday the Thirteenth, have already used up seven of my nine lives, and tussled a few times with old lady Gruber's nasty little Schnauzer, Peanut. Heck, I once clung desperately to the back-end of the broom of a wart-encrusted, cackling witch at ten thousand feet! This was much worse. When he slowly came towards me, he opened his massive jaws to reveal long, razor-sharp canines. I know, I ingested a little too much catnip last night, but I swear; I saw fluffy, Mrs. McDougal's cat, who disappeared last week, wedged up in the roof of his mouth. As he came at me, he reached his paws towards me, and he looked just like this – except a whole lot scarier."

Simple Observations - Almost, Out of this World

Here are a few more snippets from my new book, Simple Observations - A Humorous Look at the Absurdity of the World Around Us. I hope you consider getting the book as a present for someone special in your life who is near and dear, but may be just a little messed up. My wife has already bought thirty copies for me. I keep telling her that I wrote the darn book, and I kind of already know what's going to happen next, but she won't listen. The book is available anywhere in the world. I was hoping to get a copy into outer space, so I wouldn't be lying when I said, "Simple Observations, is out of this world." Unfortunately, all the rocket scientists at NASA where so busy passing it around, and trying to figure it out, they forgot to put it on the last load of supplies for the space station.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my international book tour. It is so exciting. On March 23, I'll be telling outrageous stories, passing out flapjacks, and signing copies of my book at the International House of Pancakes in Embarrass, Minnesota. This appearance will be followed by stops at the IHOPs in Mosquitoville, Vermont, and Intercourse Pennsylvania on the 25th and 27th. Wish me luck -  I'm going to need all I can get

Lunch Meat Wars

How many of you regularly visit a local delicatessen to procure fine meats, chesses, and assorted hot and cold items? Here in the United States we call them delis, and many are located inside major supermarket chains. Delicatessens originated in Germany during the 18^th century, and then spread to most of Europe, before becoming popular in America. I heard that the word was derived from the French word, “delicatesse,” which means, “delicious things to eat.” I think, when I finish writing this simple observation, I’m going to hit my favorite “delicatesse.” It’s called – Burger King.

I was at my local supermarket yesterday to pick up some lunch meat, or what is also called sliced meats, deli meats, luncheon meats or cold cuts. I also needed an assortment of some of my favorite sliced cheeses. Whenever I’m at the deli, it always seems to be a little crazy. People are pushing and shoving each other, everyone’s jostling for position in front of the big glass cases, words I can’t mention on this blog are volleyed back and forth, and fights are breaking out after people butt in front of someone else. It’s exactly what happens at my family’s wedding receptions, when the buffet line is officially opened.

My New Years Resolutions

Now, that the new year is almost here, I’ve begun thinking about all my New Years resolutions for 2018. I don’t know about you, but I seem to have the same ones every year, and they usually only last about a week or two. I looked up New Year’s resolution, and it said, “It’s a tradition, most common to the western hemisphere, in which a person resolves to change an undesired trait or behavior, to accomplish a personal goal, or otherwise improve their life.” Undesired traits or behaviors? That’s all I have. If I get rid of all of them, I’ll be nothing more than a lifeless mannequin, propped up in the corner!

I also learned that only 8% of people keep their resolutions. The most common are: to exercise more, lose weight, eat healthier, drink less alcoholic beverages, stop smoking, save money, and spend more time with family and friends. I always have trouble with these resolutions. First of all; getting me to achieve a healthier lifestyle, by putting down that big piece of chicken at the Old Country Buffet, is like rescuing an unfortunate seal from the jaws of a ravenous polar bear. Of course, with a kid in college, I won’t be saving very much money, and that family and friend thing scares me. To be honest; my wife is my best friend, and my mother-in-law is……. Let’s just say, I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for “more” quality time with either of them.

Excessive Christmas Spirit

My new book, "Simple Observations - A humorous Look at the Absurdity of the World Around Us," is almost here. The book cover has been designed, the final edit is complete, and it's nearing publication. It probably; unless I have a Christmas miracle, won't be out before the 25th. In celebration of the Holidays, and the promotion of the book, I'm publishing one of the stories, here on my blog. I hope you enjoy it, and it possibly peaks your interest in reading the entire book in the coming year.

Like most of you, I love the festive mood, the spirit of giving, and the sense of family during the holiday season. I also love the tradition of fresh-cut Christmas trees decorated with shiny spheres of glass, long strands of silver tinsel, bright and colorful strings of lights, and topped with a radiant golden angel siting majestically, upon the highest peak. On cold December evenings, I’ll slowly stroll through my neighborhood, bundled in layers of warm clothing, as I enjoy the wonder of subtle, yet beautiful Christmas decorations. I especially enjoy brightly lit candles in the windows of houses, a single tree aglow in the front yard with either white, red or blue lights, candy canes standing tall and proud like soldiers lined up along the walkways, and a few silver icicles hanging like thin frozen spears of ice.

Over the past few years though, I’ve been observing that Christmas decorations have made a slow, but steady change from simple, yet lovely displays to more garish scenes. Houses have become adorned with thousands of blinding lights, windows plastered with dozens of Christmas images, and roofs loaded with the crushing weight of multiple yuletide figures. I have also seen once barren lawns filled with what looks like a cross between a Macy’s Halloween parade and a Disney character convention.